(I'm aware of this generalization and the hypocritical air this statement gives me in light of my recent discussion about not treating genders as hiveminds, so I'll rephrase.)
Dear College Boys Who Can't Take a Fucking Hint,
(Better?)
I'm talking to you. "Me?" Yes, you! I know that while you probably mean no harm and more than the majority of you are simply bugs on the windshield of my life, I'd like to set some ground rules and ask you a few questions.
1. Do not touch me.
You don't know me. Why are you touching me? Do not put your head on my shoulder. Do not put your arm around me. Do not rub my back. Do not reach out to touch me as we pass each other in the hall. I don't know what signal you think I have sent to you that would earn such an unwarranted expression of affection, but let me assure you that we have definitely had some sort of miscommunication.
This also applies to the girl you are dancing with. If her friend is pulling her away from you, let. her. go. Why should you do this? Because you have no right to be touching her and if her friend is pulling her away, I got some bad news for you buddy: She doesn't want to be dancing with you. She doesn't want you. While we're on the subject of dancing, I'd like to let you know that if you don't know me, there's not actually a reason to start dancing with me, but if you do start dancing with me, and this might just be personal, but please don't grope, rub, or smell me. I know that you might think that dancing gives you more rights to my or any other girl's body, but let me be the one to assure you: it doesn't.
2. You are not as good-looking as you think.
Not only that, but girls are not looking for you to complete her, whether it be for one night or any commitment longer than that. Trust me, if you think you're cute, you're probably not that cute. You're probably the guy she turns to when she's looking for someone to hook up with when she's drunk on a Saturday night and her sane, sober buddy has been lost in the crowd. Think about that and then reevaluate your life and your choices.
3. The texting has to stop.
If I have to block your number, there is a problem. Do not text and ask if I want to watch a movie in your room at midnight. (I'm not coming.) Do not send me good morning texts. That's some hard-core dating shit, and you and I are, at best, acquaintances. Chill the fuck out.
Question time:
First of all, what makes you think that I want you? In all honesty, do you think I shave my legs for you? Because if so, please refer to rule #2.
Secondly, I'm just bewildered. So entirely lost and confused. I wear sweatpants less often than I put on a bra and I love sweatpants. I am a mess; if you came into my room (Let it be known that this is certainly not an invitation to enter my room. Please don't do that.) I would be wearing the exact same thing I wore to breakfast and class and lunch: sweats, a t-shirt, and a sweatshirt. What you see is what you get and I truthfully don't know what you think I have to offer, but I promise it's not an emotional or physical commitment, no matter how short. I'm not hot; I don't dress cutely. Leave me alone. (That's not to say that girls who are hot or that do dress themselves like they own something other than cotton sweatpants or girls who are both hot and amazing dressers are asking for your company, because like I said, I'm not shaving for you and neither are they. But! If they are shaving for you, it still doesn't give you a right to invade their space, as clearly stated in rule #1.) Leave us all alone.
Finally, please look at yourself and the people around you. Please ask yourself why you feel that you have the right to anyone's body. Ask yourself why you continue to pester girls after they've either made their uninterested intentions clear or have done nothing to return your sentiment. Think about this and then be better, because I've had it.
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