NSFW

Anyway.

Last spring at CCYWC (That's Champlain College Young Writers' Conference, AKA my bros), I put off packing until around 4am on the last night because a group of girls and I were in the dorm common room writing the most ridiculous poem to exist ever. (Okay. We're calling it a poem simply because there is no other word for the spectacle that is that piece of writing.) But I never posted it because it's so inappropriate/ridiculous/nonsensical. On the last day, we stole Abby's notebook, commandeered a copy machine (this was actually quite difficult), and made copies for all five or so of us. I have mine taped to my wall at home but I had almost forgotten about it until my friend sent me a message with the first few lines. So I'm going to post it now. But if you're not prepared for this poem (it's called The Fuckweasels by the way), I'm also posting an adorable video of a porcupine eating a little pumpkin.

***

Please go into this with a sense of humor and an understanding of how ridiculously hyper we were at 3am. It was not our intention to offend.

"The Fuckweasels"

Fuck the weasel once did I

How I wish he would couch me so on my bosom

Scoodilipooping canoodlers on the front porch

Dancing in the moonlight, leaping with the moose

He’s such a baby

can he be on my pizza?

But tell domino’s it was undercooked

Cause it was crying

As sheet rock cascaded into the toilet

I wept

I wish someone would grip me tight

And raise me from this perdition

So that I could be free from the wrath

Of the nefarious spirit

That won’t allow me to poop

Don’t trust her,

She reads gay porn

You need more mothers to love

You need more mothers to fuck, according to Freud

Fuck the window, once did I

That was awkward

There were people outside

It smells so bad in here

And then I found anal

Lose your energy drink virginity

And join the hyper-jittery masses

Conform to non-conformity

And get fucked in the asses

Go home, you’re drunk

You’re out of fucking space

Or are you in fucking outerspace

In the heroin dens

With rocket fuel in their veins

Kicking over fucking tables

And screaming like a weasel

As I fucked it in the ass

With rocket fuel jizz

As it soared into the moon

I ship Epopnine and Marius

And Cosette and HEAVY DEATH

That’s fucking metal

With a kleptomaniac stripper

With Hannibal Lector

That guy was dead in thirty days

It’s fucking Tuesday

Yesterday was too

The only way out it with the Jabberwockies

Fuck yeah that was a star wars reference

But aren’t they all?

Jimmy Carter liked Captain Kirk

(But more than just a friend)

This is infinite

In that moment, I swear we were all

John Green

Ripping out souls and lighting them on fire

Or maybe Obama

Or maybe yo mama

Moffat lays the corpses on the roof

One by one

He kicks them

over the edge

Before he hangs in the rafters

With the bats

And the nuns who sit in silence

Snorting their lines

With Dr. Sexy

Doctor Who?

You pudding stealer, you fucking bitch

Telephone poles the legs of giants

Magic hens lodges in the sky

I smell death

Like decomposing bodies

There is nothing like it

***

So there are a lot of references in there. I also like how we get really introspective and morbid at the end. If you made it through the whole thing than you deserve a round of applause. It sort of makes me want to cry but I'm too busy laughing.

Originally I was going to talk about gender roles, but I sort of like this better.

(I'm so sorry that I can't find the artist for this one, otherwise I would source it.)