Teenage Dirtbag

Psssh. Who needs parents? Without parents I can watch movies as late as I like. I can eat cereal at 11:30. I can pace throughout the entire house. I can pace and eat cereal at the same time. (Oh yeah. I finally got milk. I think I need some sort of adult badge that says: I went to the store and got milk all by myself.) I can dance around in my underwear to music from the early to mid-2000s. Was that too much information? Sorry. At least I'm good at dancing. Wait, I'm not a good dancer? Apologies reader. Sources have stated that I am a terrible dancer and that no matter what decade I was born in, I would still be bad at dancing.

A word to the wise. When you're jumping on the couch, be aware that you have a bouncy couch and that the ceiling is hard.

Have you ever felt your heartbeat reverberating throughout your entire body? Because I did for a little bit and my arms felt all heavy. Then I drank some juice and gatorade because I can do what I want because I'm so, like, independent, like, ohmygawd.

Why is it always today? Everyone's like "Oh yeah. I'll do that tomorrow" and I'm just sitting here thinking about how that person just avoiding completing that task for the rest of eternity. Bastards.

Sometimes softball is a drag because we'll do these really pointless drills and I always find it difficult to remain engaged in a dumb exercise that involves a single yellow ball, me, and about 13 other people who, judging by some of their skills, honestly belong in infomercials.

Anyway, where was I? Oh right. No parents. I can turn on every single light in the house and then turn off the ones in the basement because there's definitely something that lives down there and it probably wouldn't enjoy being disturbed by the likes of me. I can make cookies or lay here and scroll through tumblr. I could also pretend to be a writer; I do that sometimes. I could eat ice cream. I SCREAM YOU SCREAM; WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM. I DON'T KNOW IF THAT WAS THE CORRECT PUNCTUATION. I JUST LIKE SEMICOLONS. WHY AM I STILL SCREAMING? okay. that's better.

There's this scene in The Fault in Our Stars where Isaac and Hazel are playing video games and he's explaining to her how Gus always tries to save these school children instead of defeating the imminent threat when the only way to save the children is by defeating the imminent threat. And that sort of reminded me of Richard Cypher (wow. look. Another fictional character.) In the plotline of season two of The Legend of the Seeker, Richard and Kahlan and Zed are all supposed to be finding the Stone of Tears but all they've done is run around in circles and lose a lot of time and I'm sure a lot of people have died from their lack of promptness in finding the Stone; without it beasts are escaping from the underworld and tearing people apart (literally). The reason they're so behind schedule is because everyone is listening to Richard. He has been in charge for too long. I purpose a change in leadership and nominate Kahlan for the role; she's the only one actually questioning Richard's lack of sanity.

Shut up Richard. Kahlan's a better fighter than you.

Ew. Kahlan. Back up. You'll catch his dumb germs.

She's totes gorgeous, wicked smart, and Richard's just like, "I WIELD THE SWORD OF TRUTH. BOW DOWWWWN." Kahlan must be thinking, "Gosh, you're lucky I feel in love with you before you decided to lose your brain. Now did that happen before or after you killed Lord Rahl?" *sigh* Someone put Kahlan in charge please.

ALERT: My house has no bread. What kind of house doesn't have bread? My house, that's what kind. Great joke, Sammi. Thank you, Sammi. You're welcome, Sammi. *Sammi sits in comfortable silence with herself* 

Look! A thing!

Another thing!

Source

Wowza! Just chockfull of things tonight! (This morning? Does it matter? We've reached the point where it no longer matters. It could be next Thursday and I still wouldn't care.)

This thing just made me quite sad. I feel like it's not true. But it still makes me feel wildly inadequate and unworthy. It points out all the ways I've failed to live up to what I've been given: the opportunity of existence. This thing reminds me of all the ways that I'm mediocre and utterly unextraordinary. It makes me feel like some kind of... teenage dirtbag.

'Cause I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby

Yeah, I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby

Listen to Iron Maiden, baby, with me

Are you ready for another bad poem?

Another off-beat anthem?

Let your teeth sink in

Remember me as I was not as I am

And I said "I'll check in tomorrow if I don't wake up dead,"

I kept wishing she had blonde ambition and she'd let it go to my head

***

My heart is a grenade

You pull the pin and say,

"We're all fighting growing old

We're all fighting growing old

In the hopes

of a few minutes more"

To get, get on St. Peter's list

But you need to lower your standards,

because it's never getting any better than this

SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK. goodnight. good morning. sleep well. don't sleep. it's of no consequence to me. unless any of you want to eat ice cream together, then that is of so much consequence to me. IF YOU WANNA EAT ICE CREAM WITH ME LET ME KNOW BUT ALSO BRING ICE CREAM BECAUSE MY DAD ONLY BOUGHT BLACK RASPBERRY WHICH DEFINITELY DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH CHOCOLATE IN IT. h's and k's.

Oh. Wait. I should probably make it clear that I didn't kill my parents. They just aren't home right now. I'm holding down the fort, and doing a fantastic job if i do say so myself. *straightens bowtie and promptly falls asleep*