I'm Currently Using My Diploma as a Coaster

Hi, I'm Sammi Stolar. *Pause because my softball friends start screaming really loudly and I have to stop speaking* Jere Brophy told me that he is expecting something extremely deep from this speech. I’m hoping you all won’t judge me or my speech by its metaphorical resonance, or lack thereof. In a rejection of the clichéd, I’ve decided that any sort of attempt at a motivational or thought-provoking graduation speech with an underlying subtle, yet inspirational theme is out of the question. Instead, I’ve chosen to write a series of haikus.

Thank you thanks thank you

Thanks thanks thank you thanks thank you

Thanks Aunt Maria

Grams Barb and Stolar

Uncles Sal and Peter both

Pop-pop and Bonnie

Mom, Dad, Mikayla

Dani, Nate, Chris, Traudl

Kerry and Toby

Thanks, thanks, thanks again

My sincerest gratitude

For everything

That one is called “And to anyone else that I’ve forgotten (or more likely whose name won’t fit in the amount of syllables allowed in a haiku)” The following is for my friends at Harwood.

Softball is stupid

Though crazy, Harwood girls are not

Thanks for four great years

Seeing as I’ve attended a ski academy for the past five years, here’s a haiku about skiing.

Ski racing? No way.

I have laughed more than I’ve cried.

Was it a success?

That one was called “Maybe,” and the next poem is called “Ironical.”

TFIOS is good

The Grapes of Wrath wasn’t that great

but Kerry’s the best

Okay. This haiku is called “I don’t want to hear it Katy Rosen. You’re name is the title.”

Liezl, Natalie

Kara, Lexi, Christine, Geoff (read "Jeff" otherwise it's too many syllables)

Alexa, Ellie

Becca and Maggie

Katie fricken’ Utter

Eklutna, Clara

Thanks guys. I’m sorry

You had to put up with me

I love you guys tons

Finally, I’d like to thank everyone who has helped give me the opportunity to attend GMVS and the people who have made GMVS the place that helped make me into the person I’ve become.

And to the class of 2014, don't forget to be awesome.

***

I wasn't going for funny, but people kept laughing. I was going for efficient with no crying. And it totally worked except soon afterward Christine had to go home and then I was crying a lot. 

How my speech would have gone, were my grandparents not there:

Except the crush thing, because that would include having emotions other than anger.

Oh yeah. And prom? I wish I had stayed in bed.

 I'm taking so much pleasure in the fact that I never have to go back. I put up with the prom and the senior presentations and the graduation dinner with an embarrassing slideshow and the mostly bullshit graduation speech and a family lunch after graduation and the opening of presents I'll never use. (Seriously, do I really need a copy of Oh, The Places You'll Go! and Going Places? I'm not actually going anywhere. I'm going to college like an hour away from GMVS. (???????) That being said, Lexi gave me the most useful gift I've ever received: a TARDIS cookie jar filled with oreos) I'm done. It's all over and as torturous as it was, there are many times at GMVS that I enjoyed; they run parallel to all the times that I wasn't having fun at all. It's sort of difficult because I can't have one without the other.

I'm the one with a brain sitting down...